Me, Myself and I

I just came back from a 3-day vippasana meditation retreat. It was my first time doing anything like this. On Sunday I hopped on a local bus to a small village outside of Leh called Choglamsar. The Mahabodhi International Meditation Center is located in the middle of nowhere in a dry, barren deserted mountainous landscape. It’s a huge center, but everything is spread out with lots of empty land in between each building. The meditation building had a handful of private rooms, and one large dorm room full of beds. All the rooms faced a sweet garden of sunflowers and apple trees. There were about 25 people of all ages at the retreat. There were a lot of couples and a handful of single participants like myself. It was a silent retreat, meaning no speaking to each other at all for three days, no eye contact, no writing and no reading. This is meant to support practicing mindfulness at all times.

Our day started at 5am. We did a 45-minute gyro kinesis session (self massage) to wake up our muscles, and then we sat in meditation for another 45 minutes followed by breakfast. Then from 8am until 12 we alternated in 45-minute sessions of sitting mediation and walking mediation. I never did walking meditation. I figured it was little like walking normally. But the kind we practiced was walking about 10 steps very, very slowly and mindfully concentrating on all the movement in the body, especially the feet. At 12 we had lunch and a short break. Most people napped. But because I’m so used to being more active, I left the meditation complex and went frolicking and running around in the surrounding flat land. It felt like being in the Sahara, except it’s not sand but dust and gravel everywhere. At 1:30 we started again with an hour-long sitting meditation session, followed by an hour and half of yoga. Afterwards we alternated again between sitting and walking meditation until dinner. After dinner there was a hour long dharma talk, and we ended the day with another hour of sitting meditation. I was in bed and ready for sleep by 9:30p.

I’ve always wanted to try a meditation retreat. There are many 10-day courses around India, but 10 days is intense so when I heard about this 3-day course, I decided it was a good opportunity that I shouldn’t pass up. When I first arrived, I was so excited and thought, ‘Three days seems so short. I wish this were longer.’ And by mid-day on the first full day, I thought I might go crazy, or escape and try to catch the next bus to Leh. Although the complete silence was strange at times, I didn’t mind it too much. It was sitting for so long, all day, and just walking back and forth in the same space, all day, that my mind couldn’t be happy with. I found myself thinking about the most random things during meditation, and memories, or ideas would arise out of nowhere, without context or reason. I realize how untamed, anxious and restless my mind is. It was frustrating because I couldn’t turn it off when I wanted to.

The dharma talk we had after dinner each night was just an informal lecture about different dharma topics. The first night the instructors talked about the five hindrances to meditation practice and the second night was about 4 types of mindfulness. This was my favorite part. One of the instructors had a Conan O’Brien humorous charm that made his lectures really entertaining.

I stayed in the large dorm room. There was a large sheet draped across the middle of the room that divided it into separate men and women’s sides. The beds reminded me of the kind of beds that are in orphanages with creeky steel frames and thin hard mattresses. But I like it because it was cozy in its simplicity. The bathroom was in a nearby building. That too was very simple. A few squat toilet stalls, and cold water spickets for showers. It wasn’t the cleanest bathroom, but at least it wasn’t that smelly.

At meals it was so strange not to say anything to anyone, not even thank-you to the kitchen staff. There were many tables in the dining hall, but we all sat separately. I felt so lonely and dark. Everyone was so concentrated on eating mindfully and slowly. Sometimes it felt so serious. I realized that I’m so frequently outward dependant on my emotional state of mind. Seeing everyone so serious, at first, made me feel depressed and lonely. I guess I take things very personally, even when it has nothing to do with me. Or when the instructor made a joke during the talks, I looked around to see if other people also appreciated his humor because that makes me enjoy it more too. I don’t think this is neither good nor bad, but just something I observed about myself.

The best part of the day was the sunset. Right after dinner and before the talks, everyone would go onto the roof and just watch the sun retire into the horizon. The sunsets here are some of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen in my life. The sky is so pure blue, and the way the rays stream through the clouds, it creates the most amazing, vivid displays of light.

By the third day I was so happy for the retreat to end. It was a powerful experience and one I’d like to do again, but I was ready to return to the chaos of life.